Player Two to Player One: Ready Player One?

Literature has always allowed us to stretch the boundaries of reality in order to explore potentials. Although we live in a world that appears dominated by technology, Ready Player One, the first book I read for the Geek Girls Book Club, takes the present day dependency upon and growth of the Internet and moves it to the extremes. These extremes highlight not only our current environment by exaggerating it but also show us where we could end up as a society.

Ready Player One, set in the future, explores how fossil fuel dependency has made living in the physical world so repulsive and uninhabitable that living a false life on the Internet is not only possible but preferable. With fuel too expensive to allow travel or heating, people are reduced to stacking trailers one on top of another and rigging power lines along these, creating tenements based on RV ownership. In an attempt to “live” in a world decimated and barren, people turn to the virtual reality of OASIS, an MMOG of epic proportions. For a synopsis of the book, the author’s website provides a better one than I can give.

More than anything else, what struck my interest was how taking our current online activities – gaming, online education, online money, pay-to-play versus play-in-game (or the traditional MMOG model versus social gaming model) – and creating a story around their most ridiculous ends gives a sense of a potential future for us.

For the less geeky, the overarching theme is the ultimate battle of Big Corporation versus Independent Little Guy. The main plot revolves around Parzival and other “Gunters”seeking to find the treasure on their own before the large corporation, IOI, and its hired guns, the “Sixers,” can get to it. At every step, IOI perfectly plays the role of “Evil Corporate America.” There are kidnappings and deaths. There are elaborate attempts at cheating the game. All of these might easily be seen as nothing more than plot points. However, the reality is that the exaggeration highlights the underlying reality. Much like large chemical companies in the 1970′s allowing chemicals into groundwater and recklessly impacting the environment, IOI acts insidiously in a virtual world. The in-game machinations are virtual representations of the underhanded dealings that people hate. In the virtual world, however, these machinations should be “virtually” harmless. The stakes here, however, show how becoming invested in a nonphysical reality creates an overwhelming sense of safety that, when it filters into the physical world, becomes more frightening due to the power that information wields in the physical world.

For the geeky but on the edge, you can delve a bit deeper into the story. One of the aspects that I found interesting was the underlying theme of “who owns the Internet.” IOI, in all its evil corporate, requires people to pay for their online experiences. This, the typical MMOG model as set out in the original games like World of Warcraft, has been the traditional revenue generating format for online gaming since its inception. Parzival tells the reader, “IOI believed that Halliday [the creator of OASIS] never properly monetized his creation, and they wanted to remedy that. They would start charging a monthly fee for access to the simulation…The moment IOI took it over, the OASIS would cease to be the open-source virtual utopia I’d grown up in” (Kindle Location 658). This corporate control requires monthly fees, or rent, in order to live in the online world. Moving outside of this traditional model gave control over to the players on a level that the traditional MMOG doesn’t. In today’s gaming world, Facebook appears to be the closest gaming has to OASIS on a large scale level. The evolution of social networking has led to companies like Zynga, which can bring in $1 billion of revenue in a year. People don’t have to pay to play most Zynga games. However, they can choose to pay in game. This change in revenue dynamic is at the heart of Ready Player One. As Parzival notes, “Charging people for virtual fuel to power their virtual spaceships was one of the ways Gregarious Simulation Systems generated revenue, since accessing the OASIS was free. But GSS’s primary source of income came from teleportation fares” (Kindle Location 977). In other words, anyone can play the OASIS or live in the OASIS, but only those who take the risks on quests to earn money and spend the money can go different places within the game. There is a grassroots argument here for a sense of democracy and capitalism. In other words, anyone can enter the world; however, only those willing to work and spend money can afford the luxuries. Given that IOI is the “Big Bad,” this appears to be a direct statement that pay-in-play is a more noble corporate model than pay-to-play as it grants universal access with a chance of moving beyond that. Farmville or Mafia Wars fit this model – anyone with a free Facebook account can play the games, but only those capable or willing to spend the money are truly going to excel.

For the educators, the world of online education takes a front seat as well. The OASIS has taken over the public school system, eliminating many of the horrors Parzival experiences in a face-to-face classroom. As he relates, “Then one glorious day, our principal announced that any student with a passing grade-point average could apply for a transfer to the new OASIS public school system. The real public school system, the one run by the government, had been an underfunded, overcrowded train wreck for decades. And now the conditions at many schools had gotten so terrible that every kid with half a brain was being encouraged to stay at home and attend school online” (Kindle Location 614-622). In other words, schools in 2044 aren’t any better than schools today, and the inner city blight affecting lower income kids has spread beyond city confines due to generalized poverty and overpopulation. The OASIS presents a chance for all kids to attend violence free schools, giving them a chance to focus on their education. The school planets are coded to disallow player-versus-player, meaning all violence in schools is impossible. Parzival continues, “On my first day at OPS #1873, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. Now, instead of running a gauntlet of bullies and drug addicts on my walk to school each morning, I went straight to my hideout and stayed there all day” (Kindle Location 629). Parzival can finally focus on his studies. The unlimited libraries and opportunities to travel to famous locations such as The Louvre at no cost give him advantages that he would otherwise never have. This new model of education provides the pure flow of information to students, giving them a chance to learn in a safe place (assuming their homes are safe places) and removing many of the real-world distractions from education. With the rise of online universities and the recent announcement by Apple that they plan to expand further into the educational publishing with iBooks2, this particular background plotline indicates that the issues for-profit universities have faced recently can be overcome through the democratization of online education. The fantasy aspect, wherein the virtual reality equates to being in person with an instructor using the OASIS interface (basic sets provided free to students), allows us to see the potential that this form of education can provide. Students feel as though they are in a real classroom. Their interactions are through more than text, more than webcams, and become a functional equivalent of reality. This kind of educational wonderland of opportunity is a fantastical idea that could revolutionize education. These exaggerations of reality again give a sense of the “what could be” versus the current reality. However, as with many of the other aspects of the story, stretching the boundaries of current reality creates a sense of realistic potential.

Finally, what I found most fascinating, was the allusion to bitcoins. This is the truly geeky aspect of the book. Parzival manages to accrue money in the game that can be parlayed into paying for living expenses in the physical world. Quoting Bitcoin.org on their “About” page, “Bitcoin is designed around the idea of using cryptography to control the creation and transfer of money, rather than relying on central authorities.” The idea behind Parzival’s ability to gain money in game that can then be used in the physical world takes this idea of crypto-currency to the next level. Without spoiling the plot, I can say that Parzival manages to find a way to be granted credits/money in game. He tells us, “These companies were offering to pay me in OASIS credits, which would be transferred directly to my avatar’s account” (Kindle Location 2579). These credits can be used to buy food or pay rent in the real world. Although my understanding of bitcoins is, admittedly, low, the nearest explanation I can give is that they are online currency created within their own virtual universe that can then be used, at least theoretically, outside that world. In a nutshell, individual users agree to exchange goods and services on a democratized currency that only has value because the users feel it has value. They should be able to buy things on websites that agree to accepting bitcoins since the goal is to use anything that should, in theory, be able to be exchanged for goods and services (be it a service or a self-representation) and then create a way for this virtual currency to reform the basic concepts of economy. Cline’s willingness to take this jump – that online gaming credits can be parlayed into real, physical goods and services, is a clear allusion to the debate over the efficacy of bitcoin in taking over and changing the basis of the present meaning of currency. For the true geeks, this should be one of the more interesting extrapolations within the story. In the story, because OASIS is so pervasive in society, these online credits have meaning in the physical world. This exaggeration of the idea of a currency based on user agreement that currency has definition only when its users buy into it rings strongly of the bitcoin argument that has flashed the news every few months. Bitcoin has value because users believe in it. OASIS credits have value because users believe in it. This exaggeration of a technological subculture into the main culture is, possibly, for me, the most compelling underlying theme. When the people who use the Internet believe in it as a reality, it becomes the reality.

To be fair, the book also explores the pitfalls of social dissociation that come with the anonymity of the Internet. None of the characters are what they seem. They create the images of themselves that they want others to see. Interestingly, although their physical selves and virtual selves may not always match up, they find a way to be their true personalities only through the anonymity. To tell more would be to spoil the plot. However, most enjoyable in this particular aspect of the story is that the true selves are not what they seem but remain consistent with the personalities displayed in the virtual world. It is this idea that people should have a chance to show who they are without being bound by societal stigmas that again gives a sense of the potential that exists in the present.

Much of Ready Player One explores the idea of the democratization of information through the use of the Internet as originally conceived by its creators. The plot of the book is quick. The characters are likeable. At its heart, though, Ready Player One explores the potential of the Internet to be a brave new world wherein people can reinvent themselves.

What’s in a Dad?

Mr. A has been, and always will be, one of my heroes. He doesn’t read this, unless I tell him he should. So, minus the fact that I plan to send this to him, this is my ode to what makes an amazing dad based on the qualities I see in the father of my own child.

Dad is a word I use specifically. Father, to me, implies a formality. Daddy has a bit of a childish quality. A dad is that combination of eternal youth coupled with adult maturity that makes him both the role model and understanding playmate that makes the perfect male parent. A dad is someone who fulfills an emotional role and a social role. He shows a child how to grow up in a different way than a mother. A good dad not only shows a son how to be a man, but he shows a daughter how to love a man. Sometimes, he shows a son how to love a man and a daughter how to be a man. That is the magic of a dad.

A dad is the man, whether related or not, who understands that being emotionally and physically available to a child gives a greater gift than even a mom can. A mom can provide sustenance. A mom’s bond with a child is amazing. However, a dad is a different beast. Dads are the unrequited love affair of parenting in today’s world. Dads are the men who would rather pretend to drink from a sippy cup or pretend that they ate the piece of toddler slimed pop tart than tell their child, intent on sharing, that no, really, your spit on all of those things is totally gross. They are the men who recognize that their children are people, not accessories to a better career. They are the men who surprise their families by taking unexpected vacation time just to spend a beautiful day at the park.

A lot of people will say that a good dad is the one who gets up in the middle of the night, who helps his wife, who changes the poopy diapers. These are good husbands. These are husbands who respect their wives and understand the difficulty of being a parent. These are the men who, yes, are wonderful in very many ways and, goodness knows, the world needs more of them. However, being a dad means more than realizing that mom needs a break.

Inside of a dad is the same wonder that is inside of his child. A dad who believes in the magic of bubbles or the speed of a swing? He’s the dad that you want around your kid. He is the man who, even when it is outside his comfort zone, is willing to have that tea party or play zombie pirates. He is the man who understands that the only way to perpetuate childhood wonder is to be a child in the moment. He is the man who does not live his own past through his child but lives his child’s present with his child. He is the man who shares his own childhood memories and experiences with his child. However, he sees in those memories a new wonder through the eyes of his child. He is a dad.

Inside of a dad is a willingness to step out of his comfort zone. He is the man who is physically inept but plays tee-ball with his daughter. He is the man who is  horrifically tone deaf but sings in public with his son. He is the man who is willing to climb to the top of a slide and yell, at the top of his lungs, “Wheeee!!!!!” while sliding. His child’s comfort becomes greater than his own. His child’s interests become his. He is willing to sit and watch endless hours of television shows just to have a few quiet moments that, someday, he will see when he closes his eyes, sits back, swallows a gulp of beer/wine, and remembers moments long gone. He is the man who wears a googlehead hat just to see the joy on his child’s face, knowing that while his son may not remember the moment, he will. Even if wearing a googlehead hat would be the epitome of embarrassment if anyone actually knew.

Inside of a dad is a steel thread of maturity he never knew he had. A dad is the man who, for the first time, is willing to look at himself and see in others his own strengths and weaknesses. A dad is the man who learns to accept where his child is like him or not like him. A dad is the man who is willing to recognize that the things he loves in his child are those precise qualities he loves in himself. He is also the man who realizes that the things that frustrate him about his child are those personality qualities that are his…less strong points. He is the man who introspectively looks at himself to try to better his child by bettering himself. He is the man who realizes that his child’s stubbornness may come from him or that his child’s fearlessness may be partly his. He learns to love and temper these same qualities in himself in the same way he loves and tempers them in his child.

Inside of a dad is strength. This strength is both emotional and physical. He’s the man who lifts up his daughter to help her reach the top shelf. He’s the man who lifts up his son to show him that it’s ok to cry. He’s the man who comes home in the middle of the day when the baby is screaming or the toddler is sick because he wants to hold his child in his arms and in his heart. He is the man who realizes that being a man isn’t about how many pounds you can hold in your hands but how many people you can hold in your heart.

Inside of a dad is gentleness and sensitivity. A dad is the man who gives “boo boo kisses” when there is no obvious injury and puts “boo boo stickers” on actual wounds. He is the man who, without showing his child, wilts when his daughter doesn’t want to give him a good-bye hug and who gets that soft tone to his voice when he hears his child misses him while he is at work. He is the man who always and often says, “I love you” to his child. He is the man who embraces gentleness and sensitivity – both physically and emotionally. He is the man who understands that being a dad means being more than a man; it means being a better man.

Dads, whether they live with their children or not, are the fabric of childhood. Moms love their children. Motherhood is exalted by society. Dadhood is a different story. Dads are the men who reinforce lessons moms teach and teach lessons that moms reinforce. Dads are men who earn a title, not through sperm donation but through daily action. They are men on the frontlines of the battle that is parenthood, but they are often underestimated and unappreciated.

Mr. A is a dad. He is not a father. He is not a daddy. He is a dad. He is my hero, my lifeline, my soulmate. For him and every other dad this Father’s Day, I ask, “What’s in a dad?”

In a dad is the most amazing person you will ever meet. In a dad is a man. In a dad is the strongest will you will know. In a dad is love. The purest, most amazing love you can ever hope to see.

Boys! Boys! Boys!

I like boys. I like being around boys. I like talking to boys. I like, no I love, teaching boys. Yesterday, I read a post, and the comments therein posted, titled Boys Suck. Teaching boys is one of the greatest joys I have in my career since many of the boys I teach are fun, funny, intelligent, and outgoing. Hearing educators complain about boys only reinforces the underlying causes behind the gender gap in higher education.

The gender gap in higher education should frighten people. Boys in higher education are becoming fewer compared to their percentage of the population. In fact, Ali Carr-Chellman addressed a lot of this in her TED talk “Gaming to Re-engage Boys in Learning.” The facts behind male education are frightening. In higher learning, according to the American Council on Education, boys represent 43% of those enrolled in or earning bachelor’s degrees. If you are a young man of color, that number decreases even further, with the American Council on Education stating that the numbers for Hispanic males were 42% in 2007-2008, a decrease from 45% in 1999-2000. According to information from the US Census bureau for the 2010 census, 50.8% of the US population is female and 49.2% is male. While there are 1.6% more females in the general population, there are 14% more females in higher education than there are males.

What does all this mean? Somewhere, Americans are failing their boys. Ms. Carr-Chellman discusses teachers who find gaming, or other boy interests, to be wasteful. She tells a story of a boy who wishes he could write a story about a tornado blowing apart a house but that his teacher would not like it. These two examples are but two of many that explore the manner through which boys are marginalized in K-12. Marginalizing even a small portion of a population, let alone nearly half of it, marginalizes all of us. When we preach education but focus only on those behaviors or interests that our society deems to be acceptable, we tell a segment of our population that education is only meant for those individuals who can conform to a set of proscribed interests. We discuss gender equality for women and want women to succeed, but why does that mean that we have to cause boys to fail?

Failure of any group, in part, relies on the views educators have towards their students. When an educator dismisses a student (or group of students) based on race, ethnicity, religion, or gender, that instructor has disenfranchised all the students in the room, not just the single ostracized group. When one group feels left out, they find themselves uninterested in the coursework as well as uninterested in maintaining an interest in the classroom environment. This disinterest based on marginalization can be interpreted as a disinterest in learning. However, feeling disrespected for simply being something – gender, religion, race – means that the student will withdraw from learning. This is basic human instinct. This withdrawal removes an entire realm of perspective from the classroom, one that if cultivated could add instead of detract. If boys are withdrawing, we, as educators, need to help them engage.

Aiding boys in their education does not mean pandering but understanding. Boys are often more kinetic. In education today, things like testing and information retention require calm and sedate behaviors. Classroom discussion often requires an orderly path of participation. However, understanding the need for boys to find their way means that at some level educators need to leave their own comfort zone and embrace those behaviors that make boys so enjoyable in the classroom.

The boys that have taught me the most about teaching boys are the ones that are the most rambunctious. I love having a raucous class that has lively discussion, humor, and fun. I love that my male students are often more willing to speak up on topics that interest them, while girls are more willing to give thoughtful comments even when they find the material useless. When my boys are engaged, they create a roomful of loud discussion and personal engagement. For example, when discussing self-identity with technology, a conversation that even briefly brings up the idea of the video game Call of Duty brought about a lively discussion not just of the game itself, but of how the players use the game to escape a mundane life. This was parlayed into a discussion of how people use avatars or social networking sites to create an identity that helps them escape from their normal lives. When discussing the debate culture in the classroom (a la Deborah Tannen), a link between the competitive nature of sports and the competitive nature of debate engages the boys. These simple links to topics that interested the boys helped them feel comfortable within the academic realm, giving them a sense of connection to the material and the classroom discussion.

Engaging students is not about pandering. Engaging students is about noting those overlaps between your materials and their interests. Boys are socialized differently than girls. In a writing class, for example, many boys have been socialized to believe that they are “bad writers”. They have been socialized to feel that writing is something for girls. They have been socialized to believe that the best writing is about emotion, not action. They feel that their writing should be about unicorns and rainbows, not pirates and swords. They have been socialized to feel that those things that interest them, sports or video games or rock music, have no relevance to the classroom. Girls have been taught that they can do anything, be anything, and learn anything. Are girls outnumbered in certain fields? Yes, they are, but educators recognize this and focus girls towards these fields. Are boys outnumbered in certain fields? Yes, but they are socialized to feel that this should be the norm.

Educators often discuss the need to understand different learning styles. The literature gives examples types such as aural, visual, and kinetic. Yet, in the majority of classrooms, those who are aural and visual have educators who can fit this into their classroom. Students who are kinetic learners often find themselves sitting at a desk listening and looking. At a certain educational level, the idea of manipulables are considered juvenile. However, for kinetic learners, a lesson as simple as “cut your outline up into strips and move the lines around” might be enough to help them see that their learning style can fit into even a college environment. A classroom activity using my two year old’s Duplo Legos (the only Legos in our home not attached to a specific “structure” such as the White House or Millenium Falcon) garnered more interest from my male students than any other lecture. The students had ten minutes to choose blocks, build a structure, and write instructions to re-create that structure that structure exactly (including by color of block). Pictures were compared between the originals and the re-created structures. The pedagogical goal was to teach students the need for clarity in writing. This kind of kinetic environment can be used in the college classroom while still maintaining the necessary decorum.

For the adventurous, allowing the boys to use sports or video games as their examples that relate back to classroom materials may seem to lead to chaos. Using the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry (or Patriots-Giants rivalry) as the example of how to create an argument focusing on a thesis (which team is better) can get the boys engaged in the idea that they exhibit these skills without realizing it. Of course, it also can lead to a heated debate regarding team hegemony, which of course only further proves the ability to prove an argument.  However, a controlled chaos is the discussion I love the most in my classroom. I love when my students are so passionate that they gesticulate or want to bang a table. I love the way that a discussion can become more than just words but show how words can evolve into physical actions. I love when my boys find themselves comfortable enough to step into the academic realm. For boys who have found themselves treated as troublemakers for being active, having a place in the academic world wherein they can express their thoughts without being sent to the principal is important.

Few boys will walk into a conference room at the age of twenty-five and expect the roundtable discussion of their file to relate to sports or a video game. Few boys will feel the need to talk loudly or be rambunctious in the office space. However, those boys will never be able to get to those conference room if educators keep marginalizing them based on their gender and interests. I love boys. I love teaching boys. What I want to see in colleges are more boys. Boys. Boys. And more boys.

Ten Commandments for My Son

Tina Fey’s Prayer for a Daughter has hit the Internet by storm. I may not be as funny or smart or witty. However, boys deserve something, too. I don’t want to pray for Monster. I just want to give him some life rules to live by. Here are the Ten Commandments for My Son:

1) Thou shalt not be an ass. No, really. If you bully or treat others condescendingly or mock peers or adults, you want to find a cardboard box to live in for the next ten years. Being respectful to others is respecting yourself.

Corollary: Thou shalt learn appropriate use of snark. No one should ever be too nice. People who are too nice are fake. Be true to yourself without being mean to others. Yeah, I know. It seems to break The First Commandment. Life is full of conundrums. Learn to negotiate the gray areas.

2) Thou shalt listen to thyself and only thyself except when listening to thy Mother or Father. See that thing called a curfew? Yeah, that requires listening to thy Mother or Father. See that thing that says, “Drink ALL.THE.BEER and do ALL.THE.DRUGS”? That requires listening to thyself. Make your own decisions. Make them with forethought. Listen to the little voice in your head when it speaks. Mostly, it knows the right answer. Except when it doesn’t. Then listen to that other voice. Remember that the voices are ok unless they’re telling you to commit a homicide. Then seek professional help. Do not pass go. Do not collect anything.

3) Thou shalt not wear a banana hammock. Or anything vaguely resembling such body wear. Just say no. There is no gray area for this one.

4) Thou shalt be whoever thy wishes without recourse unless said recourse involves non-civil rights based law enforcement. Look, your mama’s an attorney and covering all the loopholes with wood putty. Deal with it. Be a drummer. Be a lawyer (ok, don’t be one of those…that likely breaks the First Commandment). Wear pink. Wear blue. Wear my high heels. Wear Converse Chuck Taylors. Be who you want to be when you want to be that person.

Corollary: Do not be yourself at the expense of disallowing someone else to be him/herself. That violates the First Commandment. Always remember the First Commandment.

5) Thou shalt not fear failure. Failure is the mother of all success. You cannot achieve success without understanding your limitations. Learning what makes you unhappy, whether it be academic or work or relationships, will allow you to further understand what brings you joy. Do not wallow in failure and seek it out. However, do not run from its potential.

6) Thou shalt do things thy parents should not now nor ever know about. Do things about which you know we would disapprove. Don’t tell us. Do not break the second half of the Second Commandment. You will not always agree with our ideas or our decisions or our choices. As long as you do not break the Second Commandment, explore new ideas and experiences. Make sure to stay within the boundaries of the law and keep the First Commandment in mind. Be your own person on your own terms. Just remember that while we love you, there are some things that remain in the realm of Too Much Information. If you wouldn’t tell your mother? Don’t.

7) Thou shalt not shave or wax thy chest for fashion. No. Really. I promise you’ll regret it. Yes, hair grows back. However, really. No. Just don’t.

8 ) Thou shalt paint and sing and read and run and skip and jump. Be active. Be creative. The two are not mutually exclusive. Be a baseball player who sings opera. Be a poet who runs a marathon. Think outside of society’s rules for gender or socioeconomic status or educational background.

9) Thou shalt not expect the world to support you financially for your whole life. By “the world”, I mean thy Mother and Father. Learn responsibility and learn the importance of self-sufficiency. Learn that making minimum wage at 16 makes you more likely to want to make more than minimum wage at 26. Learn that you are the sOn and not the sUn. The world does not revolve around you. Learn that being supported does not mean being carried. The advantages that thy Mother and Father try to allow you to experience are so that you can become the person you need to be. They are not provided. They are earned based on your ability to appreciate them and not take them for granted.

10) Thou shall feel loved, be loved, and give love. Freely. To whomever. Without recourse.

Personality of a City

Cities all have personalities. Some cities are like the party girl who can drink the night away, wake up, have brunch the next morning, and still look as though she stepped out of a magazine. Some cities are serene in their bearing. Other cities exude a sense of vitality that draws people in, much like a celebrity or political personality. Then, some cities are the crotchety old relative who drives you crazy but whom you continue to invite to holidays because the familial and historical stories are too intriguing to live without.

Hartford, in very many respects, is that last city. Having lived near or in Hartford for my whole life, I’ve always said that I love Hartford. I love the access to a city, even a small one. I love the opportunity that being in or near a small city affords. I love that there is the sense of culture that goes with a city and the sense of excitement that even a city like Hartford can afford.

Then, I go into Hartford to do something. This is where I find myself frustrated. Over the last year, we’ve taken Monster to various events in the city. We’ve gone to the Wadsworth Atheneum. We’ve gone to the Festival of Trees (aka The Festival of Floodlights). We’ve gone to Bushnell Park Carousel. We’ve gone to the new CT Science Center. As a suburbanite, I realize that my experiences of the city are entirely different from those of residents. However, Hartford, I find, continues to make itself one of the single most uninviting places I can imagine you would want to go.

Here’s the main thing. The events that Hartford hosts and the opportunities in the city are wonderful. We had a great time attending Riverfest for July 4. We loved taking Monster to the historic carousel. We enjoy reliving things and going to jazz festivals or Irish music festivals. We love the fact that the CT Science Center is such an asset to his ability to engage in science. All of these qualities make Hartford an amazing city of potential.

This potential, however, is something that Hartford often fails to live up to. A typical drive to Hartford for us takes about ten to fifteen minutes, depending upon where we plan to go in the city. The short drive makes the city accessible. At least, it makes the city accessible in theory. Hartford’s attitude and personality, however, are a different story.

Poor Hartford, situated directly between Boston and New York City, has no sense of self. A visit to Hartford often involves a level of frustration that I find outweighs the joy of the activities in which I am taking part. For instance, a drive into Hartford is short. Parking and getting to the event can often take as long as the drive. This, for someone with a toddler, makes going to an event something that takes a solid half-hour trip door to door. In order to decide whether we want to attend an activity or event in Hartford, we really have to think about whether the trip is worthwhile.

The most recent event happened today. I love the CT Science Center. I think that, as a museum, it has a lot of wonderful learning opportunities. However, as a place dedicated to serving the educational needs of a community, I find it lacking. This museum is supposed to be the crowning glory of Hartford’s renewal – bringing in people from all over the area and other areas. In many ways, it does that. However, it very obviously cares more about making money than it does about its patrons. First, we purchased a membership back in October. Averaged out, three visits to the museum with a toddler over the course of a year make the membership pay for itself. Figuring that the membership also came with an early opening on Saturdays for “Members Only,” we went ahead and purchased it. The visits during this Members Only pre-opening hour were wonderful. It was quiet. Monster could play in the Kidspace at the water tables and not get run over. He could explore the older areas as well without being in anyone’s way. Since he only lasts an hour and a half somewhere, this worked out pretty well for the little early riser. Apparently, however, the museum ended the early opening two months ago. Supposedly, they sent an email telling people or buried it in other messages. However, we showed up bright and early at 9am this morning and were turned away. While this is probably my fault, the guard mentioned we were not the only members who had come before 10am. If it had just been me, maybe I would say that it was totally my fault. However, this is just an example of the attitude many visitors to Hartford face. When something should be happening, it doesn’t. When something is advertised, it fails. There comes a point where the potential leads to disappointment enough times that people give up. Yes, this is a single experience, but these kinds of frustrations have happened with almost every visit to Hartford I’ve had in the last year.

One of the problem that Hartford encounters is that outside of the hotel next door, there are no real food or beverage options in the direct vicinity. When I asked the guard about options, he had no real options other than the hotel next door, the cafeteria in the convention center, or the Dunkin Donuts or Burger King up the street (not his fault, I didn’t think we’d be able to go too far with Monster in tow). Two or three blocks away is Pratt Street. For the records, that’s a solid ten or fiftteen minute walk with a two year old. In case you were wondering. Upon returning to the museum, a few minutes before 10, we were told that it was too early to even, as members, get our tickets in. We had to wait. Looking behind me, I realized that the security guard was keeping people out (we entered from a side door). This would all be well and good. However, birthday parties were being allowed in and registered for already. School groups were getting ready to be ushered in. Another overnight party of some sort was just leaving. The people behind the counters were staring blankly at computers and not engaging anyone. The guard held the rest of the visitors back as though he was guarding a VIP nightclub. This is a museum. This is also a museum that charges, in my opinion, an inordinate fee for what you get. In fact, it charges so much that it acts as a tease to the surrounding community who can see it from their homes but who cannot afford to visit it. If I’m paying more than $100 for a membership that only includes admission to a single museum (and apparently discounts on additional purchases which involves spending more money), then I expect better treatment than to stand, waiting, while my child screams. Moreover, when my phone tells me that the time is, in fact, 10am, I expect the lines to be opened up and not to see the workers starting new chats with each other while the public waits. I also expect to not have to tell the employees that I have the time as 10am and that they should start letting us in while the line of people grows, especially when all the workers are firmly in place to let people in. Once again, this is an attitude that permeates many events in Hartford. You are invited to come and experience the city. However, once you arrive, the hassles are continuous and ongoing. The treatment of people when they are at events, not by city residents but by event organizers, often lead to frustration.

While we were walking to Pratt Street, we encountered someone else having as bad an experience. Visitors to the city for an event at the Convention Center were meandering around lost. They asked us the way back to their hotel, which was inconveniently located all the way across town and under the highway overpass. Why were they meandering, lost? Their hotel shuttle dropped them off somewhere, but it refused to pick them up. True, this is just one hotel. However, the hotel that they said they were staying at is not exactly an inexpensive hotel. Visitors to Hartford deserve better. They deserve to, at minimum, experience the city in a positive light. If the institutions and businesses refuse to provide this experience, those businesses and institutions will lose those customers. The basic principles of a service industry apply here.

A city’s personality is more than its attractions. Hartford has a lot of problems that its residents need to have addressed. The bringing in of outsiders is among the least of them, this I realize. Hartford also needs to attract more people to living there and to visiting, if for no other reason than tax income. However, Hartford acts like the emotionally walled off boyfriend who won’t let you in. It will court you. It will give you all sorts of gifts to enjoy. It will entice you into falling in love with it. Deep down, you can see its potential. You can see the city it could be. You can see the shining beauty underneath. However, just when you think that you’re going to make a commitment to it, it runs from you. It treats you as though you have angered it or have pushed it too hard. It acts towards you as though you have invaded its privacy. This walled off attitude repels potential suitors. It repels those who want to love it. You keep trying. You give “just one more chance.” In the end, you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship – one where you do all the giving, it does all the taking, and neither of you are happy with the situation.

Hartford, I love you. I want to remain committed to you. I want us to spend time together and grow old together. However, some days, your personality makes me question our relationship. Or maybe, you’re just not that into me?

And Then You Were Two

Dearest Darling Monster Monkey-butt,

How you’ve grown and changed in the last two years! I can’t believe that here we are, two years together, and it can feel like a forever and a few brief moments all at the same time.  Two years ago,  when I was sitting like a weeble waiting for you to arrive, I had no idea what a joyous frustration you were about to be.

In the last few months, you have emerged from babyhood into full-on little boyhood. You love to run. You love to climb. At 6:30 in the morning, one of your favorite things to do is yell, at the top of your tiny little lungs (which really don’t feel so tiny at 6:30 in the morning before mama’s first cup of coffee), “Chase! Mama! C’mon chase!” Your little voice, while adorable, has an ear piercing quality to it prior to full caffeination. The joyousness with which you squeal this, however, nearly makes up for the fact that it is, indeed, 6:30 in the morning. How I managed to raise an early bird is beyond my comprehension.

Your language has blossomed in the last month or so. Now that you know how to express yourself, you do so very regularly. “Mama. Sit. Sing.” “More. Milk. MORE! MILK!” Your current favorite directive is, however, “SELF!!!!” If I never hear the word “self” again, I think it may be too soon. You have always been independent, but your recent spurt of self-ness is going to drive all of us to distraction. You want to put on your shoes “Self!” but you don’t always get them on the right feet. This pisses you off because you trip and fall. Every morning, you have to spend five minutes going through all your shirts to determine which shirt you are going to choose, “Self!” You want to make sure that no one helps you with anything – not a game, not a toy, not the stairs, nothing. I’m so very proud of the fact that you’re such an independent little man. However, I hope that you learn that asking for help is ok. Sometimes, we learn better when we ask for help. It’s not a sign of weakness. In fact, asking for help is a sign of strength. My job is to teach you that. I hope I’m up to the task.

You are an adept little man. You can play with “Monster Phone” and do puzzles, play games, find videos and songs you want. You can jump. You can dance. You love to watch Yo Gabba Gabba and try to learn the Dancey Dances. Last week, we noticed that you were clenching your fists, clapping your hands, and stomping your feet, in that order. I asked at school if they did anything similar. It turns out, you learned to do The Chicken Dance. You love to watch YouTube videos of people doing the dance and then follow along. Your spinning is rather amusing. I particularly enjoy watching you spin until you lose your balance.

You like to wear my high heels and walk around. I never cease to be amazed at your physicality. I know adult women who have a hard time doing this. You have an incredible sense of balance. I look at your arms and legs, and sometimes, they look a bit chubby or stumpy. Then I realize, there’s no fat there; it’s all muscle. Your muscular body allows you to be able to do the things you want to do in ways you want to do them. You love to climb up on the coffee table and then fall onto the couch. You giggle insanely. Your idea of fun most often involves doing as being.

Your giggle, my dearest boy, is one of your most beautiful qualities. You have a magical giggle and an infectious smile. You have several different laughs. Your true laugh, however, is the one where you throw your head back and burst out into this huge, closed mouth smile. Then you giggle maniacally through your closed, or just barely opened, lips. You look kind of like a happy, non-evilly deranged, version of Batman’s Joker. In another context, it might not be so cute. In this one? It’s insanely, and I do mean insanely, adorable.

You. Love. Music. You love to sing. You love to play music on your “phone.” You want to listen to music obsessively until you can learn the words. You like to sing on your own. Your current favorite is “Baby Bumblebee.” You also love singing and acting out Circle Time from your MyGym class. You sit in your chair at the dinner table and start chanting, “side a side, see a saw, side a side, see a saw. BIG HUG!” You love to re-enact the Goodbye Song from your music class, plugging in the names of the other kids in the class. You listened to the Banana Song (The Aggrolites) from Yo Gabba Gabba and will sit and sing, “Bannnnaaaaaaanaaaa evewybody wike it Bannnaaaaannnaaaaa Monster wike it Bannaaaaaaaanaaaa JD wike it Bannnnnaaaaannnaaaa Wooey wike it” when you’re alone in your room. At 5:45am. You get so excited by the guest musicians on Gabba. “Jimmy Eee Worwd!” “DEVO!” “Aggwowites!” “Weezer!” “SHINS! SHINS!” I love that you’re so enamored with music, or as you call it, “musis.”

You are probably the single friendliest child I have ever met. When I take you places, you talk to everyone. You seem to feel affronted by people who are disinterested in you. I hope that you learn easily that when people are not interested in you, it’s ok and not something that is wrong with you. You have a wealth of self-confidence that I wish I could bottle and put away for your teen years in case you someday need it. You like to tell people everything that has gone on in your world. You say hello to everyone and want them to smile or laugh with you. You particularly love “giwls.” A few weeks ago, we took you to the play area at a local mall, or “mall park” as you call it. You saw some girls who were about 6 or 7. You managed to get them to fight over you. You sat on their laps. You played with them. You let them pass you around like a toy, giggling insanely the whole time. You managed to trick one into helping you climb onto something you knew you could climb yourself, pretending to be afraid of sliding down it, so that she would open her arms and catch you. A few weeks later you wanted to go back to “mall park” and then said, “GIWLS!”

You want people to like you. You work to remember people’s names. I think somehow you know that people like being remembered. You seem to have a way with people that never ceases to amaze me. You manage to make people like you, even when you’re at your worst. Your joie de vivre is infectious. You have an amazing ability to take in an experience simultaneously sharing it with others through your glee and joy. You express your joy physically – both through affection and through your mannerisms. When you’re with people you like, you express your joy so abundantly that they can’t help but laugh and join in with you. This is the magic that is your personality. You have a way of bringing others, regardless of how long you’ve known them, feel the same excitement and joy for life that you feel. I have no idea how you do it. You exude this joy and allow others to live through you. You, my son, are a magical little human being.

You are also extremely…single-minded. Maybe persistent is a better word? Both of those seem to be more positive than the possibly more appropriate “obsessive.”  Once you have an idea in your head, you refuse to let it go. You will perseverate on an idea, a place, a book, a toy, or a person until you manage to figure it out. You will fight to the death to keep from doing something you don’t want to do. Your will is uncompromising. I know that, someday, this will serve you well. I know that as long as you manage to find a way to channel this will of yours, you will be able to accomplish whatever you want to in life. I just hope that you manage to retain this sense of persistence without getting yourself in heaps and heaps of trouble between now and the time you turn 18. Somehow, I have a feeling that there will be repetition of the words “grounded” and “principal.”

You’re a creative little Monkey. For as physical as you are, you also have some mental muscle. You can integrate ideas and memorize ideas in a way that constantly surprises me. Lately, I can hear you talking in your crib. Today, you had Tigger with you and out of nowhere used a high pitched voice (your new “Tigger Voice”) to say, “Tigger sad! Tigger CWY! See BearBear.” (Apparently, Tigger was crying because he was sad that he couldn’t see your other favorite stuffed toy BearBear.) You’ve started to make your toys talk to you. “Hi Monster! I’m Tigger!” When BearBear talks, however, you pucker your lips and lower your voice. You seem to think that the lowering of the voice comes from how you move your lips. I love watching you try to figure out these new, different skills. You have your trucks race, as well as your little toy people. You feed your toys “choccy” (chocolate) that you cook them on your stove (although since it’s from a stir fry kit, I somehow think it’s supposed to be ribs or some kind of meat). You like to walk around and have Daddy and I take “taste!” of whatever you’ve cooked on your stove. You play with your trains and talk to them, making them crash or race or re-enact episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine that you’ve seen.

You’re a ham. You love having your picture taken or making “joke!” You’ll poke my eyeballs, like you’re beeping my nose, and say “joke!” You try to tell the knock knock jokes you’ve heard on your shows. You’ve started making gagging sounds. The other night, I thought you were going to throw up, got worried, only to have you giggle and say, “BUUUUUWP!” Tonight, you stuck your finger in your mouth, made a gagging sound, and said, “joke!” You just want to make everyone around you laugh and be happy.

You, little man, are my greatest joy and my greatest frustration. You manage to wear me out on a daily basis. Just when I think that I can’t be around you anymore, you ask for “hugs” and make me laugh so hard that I never want to let you go. Being your mother is often my greatest challenge. It is also my most rewarding joy. You, my dearest little boy, are my favorite small person in the whole world. I love being your mother, even when I think that maybe I wasn’t cut out to do it. I love watching you grown and learn. I love seeing your personality become more defined. You, my dear boy, are active, creative, funny, and loving. Your ability to be an amazing little person makes me overflow with love randomly. I feel as overwhelmed by your existence in my life today as I did two years ago. I know that I will feel this overwhelmed for the rest of my life. This overwhelming emotion is something that I wake up feeling, fall asleep feeling, and dream about feeling. You are no longer a little baby but a little person. I love you my dearest, sweetest, funniest, infuriatingest, little man. I hope that my birthday present to you every year, every day, every minute is that you may always feel that love. And so, now you are two.

Gadgetry or Technology?

I’m a geek. Let me throw the bias out there for you straight up. However, in the last few months, I’ve been debating and discussing what constitutes a “gadget” with a lot of people. The news has also been discussing the evils of technology on families and children. The issue that I have been debating in my head is what technology actually rises above “gadget” to become useful and thus empowering to present and future geeks (and the population as a whole).

A few years ago, I bought myself the iPhone 3G. I love my iPhone. I mostly used it as a conglomeration of calendar/music/email. Once Monster  started seeing me on it, he wanted to play with it more and more. When the iPhone 4 came out, Mr. A and I jumped on that bandwagon like a pack of wolves staring down an Omaha Steaks truck. With that, we decided to try downloading a few apps for Monster. This is where the discussion of gadget versus geekery comes in.

The tantrums. Oh, the tantrums. This child would see one of our phones and start shouting “CHOOCHOO! CHOOCHOO!!” so that he could play his Thomas the Tank Engine game. The first game he loved was a “tilt the phone” game to move the train. However, since this seemed to amuse him when we played it, we started downloading other apps. We downloaded a small piano app. We downloaded a Thomas puzzle and matching game. Monster started to figure out what to do to make the games work. He began to…learn. After a few months, we finally decided that, as long as we monitor what apps he has on his “phone”, we would retool my old iPhone so that he could play games on it without bothering us.

A lot of news articles, recently, have discussed the evils of using phones to entertain children. The media loves sharing how children spend more time playing games than learning how to tie their shoes (of course, if kids were still using velcro sneakers like we did in the 1980′s, maybe this would be surprising). Studies have been coming out in the last six months focusing on young children and smartphone use. Debates have been springing up with mothers about what is an appropriate gadget for their children.

People’s decisions for their own families are their business. However, the term “gadget” has been bothering me. Recently, on my mothers’ discussion board, a debate sprung up about a 6 year old and an iTouch. A lot of mothers, not all but many, argued that these phones and machines are gadgets. Others stepped into the debate discussing how a smartphone has more technology than a desktop computer in the 1980′s. The discussion got me thinking, “at what point is a cell phone or a tablet no longer a gadget but a useful piece of technology that will overtake what we adults currently consider to be necessary technology for our lives?”

Before we retooled Monster’s phone, we thought long and hard about the goals we had for him. Yes, the phone is a magical tantrum remover. Yes, in a restaurant, it can keep him entertained long enough for us to finish eating. Yes, we love that he’ll play a game for twenty or so minutes at a time. However, while these are useful tools for us, what do they do for him? We thought carefully about what we wanted Monster to “get” from having his own “phone.”

1) Education. All right. I’ll start with the one that most parents care the most about. Monster loves doing puzzles and memory games on the phone. He will sit and do puzzles for twenty or more minutes moving the pieces across the screen. This is a child who, if he doesn’t fall off a table by the age of three, is most likely going to still end up having a concussion countdown, a la Varsity Blues. He’s never still. I can tell when he’s fallen asleep because that is the point at which his fingers finally stop fluttering and he is absolutely.immobile. Doing normal, non-digital puzzles normally involves throwing the board and watching the pieces bounce around my hardwood floors, in a rather noisy manner. This is a child who would never be able to control himself from overturning every card in a traditional memory card game. The digital versions of these learning games has enabled Monster to focus his attention on the mental skill without the distraction of the “OHMIGODTHERE’SSTUFFTOTHROW!” aspect of the traditional games.

2) Experience. For me, this is the number one goal. As technology progresses, it will continue to become smaller. What we consider microtechnological “gadgets” now may one day become the essence of an adult workforce. When I was in elementary school, people worried that playing games like Oregon Trail were going to dumb us down. “Tech ed” in my middle school days involved programming a lathe to make a keychain. It involved learning basic Logo. As computers became more prevalent, I found myself woefully unaware of the impact they would have on my future. I had an email account as early as 11th grade. However, I did not fully understand the educational value of the internet until I was 18 and in college. Today’s world revolves around understanding and effectively using technology. Businesspeople use smartphones to stay in contact or to work remotely while commuting on a train or bus. Tablet computers are rapidly becoming the new way to conduct business and be effective in a global market. The technology that our children learn on will be far outdated by the time they are adults. Understanding how to use and evolve with technology will better prepare them for their futures. To me, this is the key. As technology continues to simplify user interface and miniaturize, it will become even further integrated into the workforce on that level. In twenty years, the workforce may have flattened such that you never truly see the people with whom you work. To deny my son the experience of being comfortable with technology is to inhibit his potential in the long run.

3) Independence. We have uploaded different apps, music, and video to Monster’s phone. I love that he wants to play puzzle games. I don’t mind that he wants to listen to Yo Gabba Gabba music ad infinitum. I’m mostly ok with him watching the two Gabba episodes that we uploaded to the phone when he does not like what we’re doing around the house. However, he also has the option of playing some video games (we have a Lego app that basically involves tapping the farm characters to make them talk) or listening to the other music (music from his music class, Linkin Park, They Might be Giants). He has the opportunity, within the boundaries we have set, to make his own decisions. The fact that he feels he is making his own decisions gives him an element of control over his life. Yes, I have warned him on the fifteenth view of his Yo Gabba Gabba “Talent” episode in a row that the phone will be taken away if that is all he does with it. The phone isn’t available at all times. I take it out and put it away (surreptitiously of course) throughout the day. However, he does not realize, yet, that I still have control. In fact, he very often will play quietly for a while and then go play imaginary games with his trains. This is not inhibiting his creative play. It is supplementing.

4) Exploration. The three points above lead to this one. Exploration, to me, is the heart of intellectual curiosity. Allowing Monster to have the freedom to explore certain technologies and within those contexts different music, ideas, and languages (yes, we have a Spanish app on there and a math app too!) allows him to choose his interests. This exploration, to me, is the heart of learning to be a curious human. He is trying new things. There are apps or music or videos that he will try and decide he does not like. There are others that he keeps going back to explore further. He is learning that he can try something and decide whether he wants to continue to explore it further. He is exploring math, reading, music, and imagery. These explorations may seem minimal given their format. However, as someone who spends hours a week with young people, the exploration is the key, more so than the format. He is learning that following his interests will give him greater opportunities. To me, this is one of the most valuable aspects of letting him have a “phone.”

5) Sense of connectivity to the adult world. I do a lot of work on my mobile devices. I teach online classes. I stay connected to my students throughout the day. I send and receive business emails on my iPhone and iPad. Monster sees this throughout the day and wants to be like mommy. For him, having his own “phone”, even if it has none of the actual connectivity of mine, gives him a sense that he is like the adults. He is far more gentle with his phone than with any of his other toys. He does not throw it (normally…) and is careful to put it down gently. Rarely does it end up hidden or on the floor. He already understands that treating it poorly will make it go away. While we have taught him this, his desire to model adult behavior has made this lesson easier. He is far from an adult. However, all children wish to model adult behavior and this allows him to do it.

For us, and I do not deride others for their decisions, allowing Monster to have a “phone” has fulfilled various different objectives. We discussed whether this was being “indulgent” and decided that the overall benefits outweighed the spoil factor. Besides, the old phone was sitting around gathering dust for three months before we even entertained the thought. For us, this is something that was not done to alleviate tantrums (although, I won’t lie, it does help quell the screaming). It was not done so that he could “keep up with the Joneses.” It was done so that we could give him various options that he may not otherwise have.

Many adults – my age and older – do not understand technology. They find that the new technology is nothing more than a “gadget.” To that I say, no. Regardless of decisions made for children, I argue that much of the technology that people see as gadgetry is the future. In the late 1980′s, cell phones were considered gadgets. Today, people feel that they are indispensable. Twenty years ago, computers were viewed differently than they are today. Twenty years from now, smartphones or tablet computers will be viewed differently than they are today. As the workforce moves towards a service society and as people find that they can connect using digital media, a societal shift has begun, and will continue, to occur. People will always feel the need to connect face to face on some level. However, as more cost cuts take place and as technology continues to evolve, society and business will continue to evolve with them. I feel that I would be remiss in educating my child if I did not acquaint him with his future world. I teach him letters, numbers, and colors. However, to ignore the world that he will enter as an adult would be to do him, in my mind, a disservice. To those who say “pfffft” to smartphones and tablet computers, I counter, “what did your parents say about laptops, the Internet, and email?” As technology evolves, so will the world. Today’s “gadgets” are tomorrow’s indispensable technology.

What’s in a Bully?

Society. That’s what. Over the last few months, bullying has become a disconcerting trend in the news. First, there was the story of Tyler Clement. Then the Trevor Project went viral.  Bullying over sexual and gender preferences has come to the national forefront, as well it should.

However, where does this all begin? Earlier this semester, I worked with students discussing the nerd and jock stereotypes. Resoundingly, my students told me that my understanding of the high school social structure was outdated. “There’s no such thing as the nerd!” they cried. “Smart kids do sports. This whole nerd thing is dumb.” “We’re all the same!” They all insisted that these were universal truths.

In the last few weeks, Katie’s Story has gone viral. Katie is a little girl who loves Star Wars. Her mother is absolutely correct – tolerance is preached in schools, but this does not mean that children accept it. Children look for those who are different, pinpoint those differences, and find ways to belittle those differences. In fact, in a class where students insisted that nerds and jocks were outmoded stereotypes, one student argued about a segment of a reading discussing gay porn that the reading created discomfort since it discussed “man on man sex” a lot even though “it’s not like I’m homophobic.” No, we’re not homophobic. We’re intolerant of differences that don’t jibe with our sense of social norms. There’s a difference, but there’s not.

The difference, to be honest, is that kids learn these norms at a young age. I’m more than proud of the fact that Monster knows Blitzkrieg Bop (B Bop) and can sing “Ay! Oh! … Go!” I’m beyond proud that he wants his Yoda shirt in the morning (even if that means making sure we have multiple ones in the house and have to make sure at least one is clean on any given day to prevent insane meltdowns). I’m thrilled that he looks at handstamps, then at his wrists, and gets a confused face because Mommy has “stamps” on her wrists known as “tattoo.” I’m proud of these things.

I’m not always proud of myself. I’m not proud that when I saw a kitchen set on sale at a local toy store I didn’t scoop it up. Although, in my defense it was more about having a lot of Christmas gifts already, a tantrumey child, and no idea how I’d truck that sucker home than it was about gender issues. I’m not proud that I don’t point out pink to him (although, it’s more along the lines of “I hate the color pink in general and want to view as little as humanly possible” than it is about not wanting my son to like pink). I’m not proud that I don’t offer him as many stereotypically non-boy things as I do stereotypically boy things.

Last weekend, we took Monster to Lego Kidsfest. For me, this experience tops the list of things I’ve done with my son. Why? I’m inculcating him to the concept of convention culture. I love that there are places where people of all ages can come together and share their favorite hobbies. I’m saddened that it was very obvious that there were far fewer girls than boys at Lego Kidsfest. Boys dominated. I’m saddened that when I walk into a local kids’ art place, it seems geared slightly more towards girls (two Fancy Nancy parties and one Planes, Trains, and Cars). I’m saddened that when I visited the art place, it was more girls than boys. I’m saddened that the things we assume our children will like when they’re young are things that have a gender identity, even if it’s subconscious through the use of colors and names.

For example, why are there only four female trains in the Thomas stories? Trust me, Monster has a serious crush on Rosie. I can safely say that I know almost all the trains by name at this point. Why aren’t there more female trains? Why does one of them have to be pink/lavender while the others are mostly primary colors? (At least Emily is a nice, happy, shade of dark green.) Why does Foofa have to be pink (with the requisite flower sticking out of her head) while both Brobee and Muno are regular primary colors (at least Toody is blue…)? Why do I walk into the Target children’s section or the Old Navy children’s section and see that all the cool graphic shirts are in the boys’ department while all the pink hearts and flowers are in the girls’ department? Why can’t there be flannel plaid shirts in the girls’ section?

The answer is the word stereotype. I spent the last three months trying to explain to my students why stereotypes matter, even though they insist that stereotypes don’t really exist today. This is the problem. This disbelief in the existence of stereotypes is where the bullying starts. Bullying against gays, blacks, Jews, women, and all the other more obvious societal categories is beyond wrong. Please, for those of you who know me or have read this blog before, understand that the following is more about the insidiousness of stereotypes as a whole as opposed to an attempt to minimize the larger societal issues of racism, Antisemitism, or sexism. This is about the underlying issues that society needs to address.

From a young age, we teach children that there are differences. In fact, children very often, notice differences, as basic as shirt color (yes, I read this somewhere…but my memory is escaping me.). Children and all people categorize. Categorizing on its own is not wrong. Categorizing but attaching a positive/negative connotation is where the problem occurs. These connotations are insidious in our culture and are part of the cause of the general bullying.

For example, why do there need to be separate lines of clothing for men and women when it comes to things like sports or Star Wars? Why should boys be the only ones who get to wear plaid? Why should there be a whole wall of really cute sneakers and shoes for little girls in Stride Rite and about two racks of similar looking shoes for boys?

At the youngest of ages, as small as birth, people start transferring implications onto their children. Yes, my son listens to the music I like. I’ll be damned if he didn’t decide he likes Thomas on his own. He also likes ABBA. He also loves his Rosie train. When we take him to the library, he beelines for the kitchen set area. More often than not, there are more girls than boys there. Within these seemingly minor moments lie the undercurrents of bullying. Bullying arises when people sense a difference from a perceived norm. Bullying arises when people assume that a difference implies that one of the options is better or worse than another.

With little Katie, it’s simply that most stores make blue Star Wars toys. With my son, it’s people looking at him and assuming that he doesn’t want a toy kitchen. These toy issues seem so very minor in the greater scope of societal prejudices and issues. However, they are the inception of the larger issues. They are the moments that define where children, who later grow into adults, learn their sets of norms. The norms of gender begin at a young age. However, these are not the only norms.

Over the course of the last three months, I’ve attempted to explore with my students the idea that intelligence, and thus the “nerd” stereotype, have evolved for various reasons. My students have steadfastly refused to admit that there is such a stereotype. The fact remains that when we look at those people considered “nerds” – Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, or Mark Zuckerberg – an underlying “less than” implication exists. Sure, they’re smart. Sure, they’re wealthier than half of the American population combined. However, there just has to be something wrong with them. More people can recognize Sarah Palin or Dennis Kucinich than will be able to recognize two of the Supreme Court Justices. We can say that it’s because Supreme Court Justices do not use words like “refudiate” or run for president. The truth is that their job is far too esoteric for most Americans to grasp beyond the most basic level. By pretending that all people are equal, that there are no underlying norms regarding some amorphous agreed-upon level of intelligence, is to inculcate another stereotype. Like all stereotypes, this is another insidious way of creating bullying. One cannot be too smart. One cannot be too interested in some movie. One cannot love a certain type of music. One cannot fall in love with someone of the same sex.

Pretending that people do not recognize differences does not erase these differences nor does it erase the connotations contained therein. Assuming that tolerance means acceptance makes all of us ignorant.  Tolerance implies permission to be different but not necessarily liking it. Tolerance implies that people won’t do harm. Tolerance does not erase the inherent distinctions made between norm and non-norm. Tolerance simply assumes that people will not act upon these distinctions. However, if people begin to believe that tolerance equates to acceptance, then change cannot be made.

Acceptance implies an inherent approval. Assuming that permission equates to approval is the fallacy of many of the non-bullying activities in schools today. Accepting that people are not the same is a whole different story. Many young people feel that because they have learned about prejudice and why it is bad that they have learned acceptance. Bullying in the most obvious sense – racism, sexism, anti-gay, anti-religion – is what most children think about when we teach them about prejudice. They assume that by not using words like “nigger” or “faggot” that they have evolved beyond the underlying thoughts. They assume that because the American president was elected “in spite of” his race, that Americans have evolved. We now tolerate differences. We do not, as evidenced by many things in the last few years, accept.

Bullies inherently understand that while they need to tolerate the big things, they do not need to accept them. In fact, they feel that they do not need to accept differences as a whole. We cannot teach acceptance of all things. Acceptance, or the approval of differences, is a personal choice. We can teach the idea that different does not equate to negative. We can teach that just because you disapprove of something does not mean you have to demonize it. However, to truly define what lies within a bully, we need to understand that by teaching tolerance we are merely hiding the problems. Parents, more than anyone else, need to understand that teaching tolerance only furthers the bullying. Within every bully lies a tolerant child. Teaching children to understand that differences can be either chosen or not and that these differences do not imply a positive/negative connotation is different. People do not have to agree with everyone else’s choices. People do not have to agree with everyone else’s lifestyles. People do not have to agree with everyone else’s decisions. People should, however, learn that different does not mean demon.

Alternative Milestones for an Alternative Mommy

Milestones, in Mommyland, are the yardsticks by which we measure our children. When did your child first smile? When did your child first crawl? What was your child’s first word? When did your child take his first step? These are all well and good; however, what about those milestones that you know you’ll always remember? Let’s be honest, there’s a segment of the mommy population (and you know who you are) who will more fondly remember baby’s first curse word used appropriately than will remember baby’s first mama.

So, in honor of those alternamoms, I’ve compiled a list of “Alternative Milestones”.

The first poop of Epic Pooportion. You knew that there would have to be a mention of poop in something like this right? I mean, it’s pretty much what the first year of raising a child is about. However, I can still remember bring Monster to work with me and having given him prune juice the previous day. I should have known from reading others’ discussions about the marvelous poo-power of prunes. No, I thought I was better than that. I thought that I was above it all. I should have known. Let’s just leave it that the Pooplosion of 2009 has never since been equaled, and certainly not equaled in my current place of employment.

The first time your favorite music soothes your savage beast. I learned that my child was awesome one day within the first few months of his birth. He’d been screaming all day. After five hours of nonstop, ear-bleeding screams, he finally managed to calm down while listening to The Clash in a bouncy chair. My child loved punk rock! Who would have thunk? It was a moment of desperation wherein I hoped for nothing more than loud music drowning out his noise. However, surprise of surprises – it calmed him down! He still loves it.

The first time your kid head bangs. No, really. There’s nothing quite as awesome as watching your kid sit in a car seat and throw his head forward and back to rock music. ‘Nuff said.

The first time your child recognizes art that he likes. Ever since Monster was little, he’s like Magritte. Go ahead, think I’m crazy. We found a bunch of “Touch the Art” books and other books that have paintings by artists. Magritte’s Imagination was the first book he would sit through when he was around 9 months. Now, if he sees the “Hello Van Gogh” book, he’ll say “Va gooo va gooo” and he tries to say “artist.” He asks for these books on his own. He has favorite paintings in them. The local museum has a Magritte painting. When he looks at it, especially when he saw it the first time, his face held a look of recognition.

The first time your child recognizes a character from Star Wars. Oh, come on. You know you want your kid to recognize Yoda. Don’t we all? Do or do not. There is no try.

The first time your child puts himself in time out on his own. Apparently, time out is such an expected response to many of the various demonic activities undertaken by Monster that he will do something, look at me, and walk over to the time out corner. Yesterday, he actually said “tiii ouuuu”. I can’t figure out if it’s great that he knows to do time out or horrible that he does the little demonic action anyway.

The first time your child becomes so attached to an article of clothing that he has to wear it inappropriately. I believe that somewhere I have a picture of Monster in his ChooChoo Boots, shirt, and diaper just because he wouldn’t wait for me to put his pants on.

The first time your child dances to music. Music is huge in our house. I’ll be honest. Most of my kid’s alternative milestones revolve around music or popular culture. However, the first time a child dances to music and understands what he’s doing? It’s a moment of pure magic. Rapidly followed would be the moment your child sings to a music video. Sadly, Monster’s first was “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga. Maybe it wouldn’t be my first choice, but I’ll take it.

The first time your child recognizes a rock n roll band. It’s a toss up here between Beatles and Abba. I’d like to say it’s Beatles. I really think that Abba won by a nose. Even better? Abba taught Monster about the fundamentals of “moneeeey”.

The first time your child makes the “devil horns” heavy metal sign. Ok, I admit. I missed this one. Mr. A insists that he looked in the rear view mirror and just saw a little hand with index finger and pinkie sticking up while listening to the Dropkick Murphys. I’m going to have to give this one to him since I’ve been working on it for three months. I’ll be damned that I missed it though.

The first time your kid says, “Tattoo.” I think that about sums up the alternative awesome in a nutshell.

And now the reasons behind…

why teachers get frustrated. Posted on College Misery the other day was a link to a marketing survey about connecting with Millenials. In the last few weeks, I’ve noticed that in some of my classes, nothing is ever good enough. South Park? We didn’t watch enough of it and, golly gee, it had to get connected to learning? Shucks. Discussing the evolution of gaming? If you’re not playing a video game in class, they’re not interested. Instead of hitting my head against a wall, I’ve just been querying “Why? Why? Why?” Some of what the marketing survey says rings true in education.

First, I want to discuss the comment that they want visuals and don’t like to read instructions. Visuals are great. I love to teach students how to appropriately analyze a visual text. Unfortunately, a lot of young people do not realize that analyzing a visual text requires not just looking at the text on the surface but also analyzing the actual words as well as the imagery involved. To many students, this seems a feat beyond their comfort level. This is fine. However, if this is a generation that, at least in theory, responds best to visuals, how can they not begin to understand the importance of the imagery used by their world? For example, when discussing a visual text, I ask them, “what does that remind you of? What is the imagery a reference to?” They can answer that question, after a bit of prodding. However, when asked, to analyze the importance of that image (storm clouds that look like hurricanes or imagery referencing the Titanic sinking) they suddenly become confused. They want to see images. They do not always seem to understand how those images impact their psyches. This is the concept that, for a group that allegedly appears to rely on visual texts, must be focused upon more clearly.

Second, the marketing survey indicates that students want to feel appreciated and understood. Many educators are frustrated by this need to be “special.” However, I think what gets lost in the education translation is that students can feel appreciated without being given a useless pat on the back. Everyone wants to be appreciated for their effort. Sometimes, just telling a student, “good effort” or “good thoughts” can be useful in this aspect. No one wants to feel stupid. Even a D paper can have its merits. I can understand how this desire to be special can be seen as a negative. The opposite of this is that although in education students seem to feel entitled, there is a difference between entitled and appreciated. Appreciated can run the range of descriptions, including being accepted for ideas and being accepted for effort regardless of outcome. This does not mean that their grade needs to be inflated. This does not mean that educators should praise a student who puts no effort into work and does a shoddy job. It means that in most student efforts, a gem can be found. Some students, this said by the writing instructor, have amazing thoughts that they have a hard time articulating. Giving the student credit for the ideas, at least in the comments, can help numb the poor grade based on execution. The goal is sort of a “golden rule” – do unto students as you would like them to do unto you. If you want them to remember that you had several excellent lessons over the course of the semester, even if there were some that were less than perfectly stellar, acknowledge that they had some excellent ideas, even if those ideas were sometimes nearly clouded by the use of text language.

For me, the biggest issue in the educational realm is the idea of including innovation in the classroom. I’ve tried. No, really. I have. I try to incorporate new ideas. I try to incorporate new technologies. I try to incorporate new new new whenever I can. I love the idea of cutting edge technology. I love the idea of incorporating things like Twitter or Facebook or blogs or other types of new fangled newness. The problem that arises is that nothing is ever good enough. Nothing is ever new enough. I think the problem is that there are aspects of education that de facto need to be old school. You can incorporate new ideas. You can incorporate new technologies. Under it all, there is still the same old grading, assignments, and class time that have to exist. Unfortunately, no matter how much new you bring in, the old will be what they focus on. This is a world where young people have learned that for almost everything, “there’s an app for that.” They can connect to people in ways that many of us only imagined when we were their age. They have access to a plethora of information at their fingertips. With this much connectivity and access at their fingertips, where do we find the new? How do we manage to be one step ahead of the latest popular culture fad or technology fad or teaching innovation? In a way, this is perhaps the student’s biggest problem in discovering an “academic self.” Academics and intellectual inquiry can be exciting an innovative. However, that innovation will not come to them. In their lives, they are the receivers of innovation. They are the users. What we, as educators, need to do is help transition them from their passive roles as receivers to more active roles as creators. We need to entice them to see their brains as innovations. We need to explore with them how to experience innovation from within as opposed to from without. How to do this remains the question left unanswered.

The marketing survey discusses the idea of faster processes. Sadly for students, learning is not always fast. In fact, recently, I had two classes in which students seemed stymied by the phrase “intellectual inquiry.” They could barely define it, other than using synonyms and rephrasing. For young people today, the idea of taking the time to explore things seems distant. Their world is fast. Their world never stops. They live in the 24-7 news cycle, which sadly, few seem to read. Faster processing to learning is sometimes impossible. In fact, it is often impossible. For students, this is sadly something that they will have to learn to accept, along with taxes. As educators, our role is to help them understand that growing the seed of thought is more important than reaping the rewards. In other words, we have to somehow excite them about the process, slow though it may be. For many, this will be difficult. Where do we find this inspiration? We find it in their interests. If we can help them look at their world in a new way, then we have won. Every semester, I ask my students what they read outside of class or what their hobbies are. So few have answers to either. In fact, I have had students stare at me when I ask about “hobbies” as though I’ve grown a third eye in the middle of my forehead. How can we expect students with no understanding of their own interests to accept that exploring their interests is a process? This is the tension of teaching the Millenials. They are so focused on grades, that they seem unable to look outside of their classrooms (except for those activities which will remain nameless) to explore the process of their education. Expanding their understanding of this process and giving them the inspiration to accept that this may not be an immediate process should be our goal as educators. We need to get these young people to slow down. Life moves too fast to be summed up as a series of fast processes. Perhaps, as educators, we need to embrace this as well. Perhaps, we need to remind ourselves that our lives are more than a process. Our lives should be models for our students. If we are so wrapped up in the speed of living that we forget to stop and do what we love, then we have not created role models for this young, fast, gone-in-60-seconds generation.

Finally, the marketing research indicates that students want drama and emotional connection. Personally, I don’t go in for the Drama Llama. I do, however, believe that the best learning comes from connecting emotionally to either the material or the instructor. Every semester, I work to try to get to know my students. When I reference their ideas in class, I pretend not to know whose it was (because to call out a student would be embarrassing), but that student always knows that I remembered what s/he wrote. In fact, in class the other day, I referenced something a student made in class a few weeks ago, the student looked up and said, “Wait! That was my story!” I looked at them and said, “Yes, I do listen. I pay attention to what you say.” The look on their faces was astounding. I try to connect by sending them individually, or sharing with them as a group, information – links, reviews, articles – that are related to statements they have made in class. I try to make sure that they know that I am listening. I cannot expect them to share ideas or explore ideas with me if I appear not to pay attention to them. We do not need to allow drama in the classroom. However, creating experiences wherein students, especially first year students, feel a sense of emotional connection to either the instructor or to one another can make the difference.

Education is not a commodity. We are not service providers in the same sense as insurance companies. Yes, students are paying an inordinate amount of money to spend time with us. For many of them, this implies that we are a commodity. We are something that they buy. Our attention is purchased. Our time is purchased. Our knowledge and expertise are purchased. However, we cannot give students a love of learning. We cannot empty our minds into a pensieve (hello, yes, Harry Potter reference) and siphon the benefit of our experiences into their head. What we can do, what we should do, and what we are being paid to do is to do is to inspire. We are paid to grade. However, we have to teach our students that their grades are not a commodity to be purchased online or through a bursar’s office. We have to give them their money’s worth. However, if we do our jobs right, they will hopefully get more than their money is worth. Money can’t buy me love – not a love of learning, at least. We need to teach our students that the reasons behind our frustrations are things that they should fight against. We need to teach them, to educate them, that their education is more than a piece of paper that can be bought. We need to enlighten them that they can be more than a statistic in their generation, more than a poll, more than a shallow representation of popular culture. That is our duty. That is the reason behind why we teach. That is how to change the future.