The Trouble with Trying

A little pointy-eared green Jedi once said, “Do or do not. There is no try.” Obviously, he was a man. For some women, trying is all they have.  This does not mean that they can only try at work or at school. It means that they are trying to conceive. For some, all they have is the ability to try.

Trying to conceive, hereafter referred to by its abreviation “ttc”, is a reality for many women. To many, “making a baby” has all the makings of being awesome. Really, when you think about it, shouldn’t it just end up being a lot of wild sex between a gal and her man? For goodness’ sake, people made babies before there was fire. If you’re a woman who has a rampant sex drive, ttc should be nothing but good times. However, the problem that many women are finding is that it is not that simple. The problem is that after a few cycles worth of trying, not always just months given how long some women’s cycles can be, women start to feel downright frustrated with themselves, their bodies, and the whole process.

This frustration can turn to obsession right darn quick, too. The first thing most doctors do is ask that a woman check her basal body temperature and start “charting.” The concept of charting seems all obvious. Plot the temperature on the graph. However, again, the reality is that everything impacts this sensitive temperature - don’t move before taking it, get anywhere from 3 - 4 hours of solid sleep/rest at minimum, don’t sleep with your mouth open, be careful how much caffeine you drink, how much (if any) alcohol you intake, don’t get up to pee in the middle of the night. Treat your body like you’re already pregnant. All of these things make sense, in theory. Looking at this chart every day, however, only reinforces what isn’t happening - and that’s a baby.

First, they blame themselves. For the perfectionists in this world, this is the most difficult aspect of ttc. Women can feel like they are somehow failing in life. For exampe, take a woman who has usually been pretty successful. Smart, good job, always been able to do something to which she sets her mind. She wants a job; she gets it. She is a believer in the merit system. The harder you work, the better you do because the better you are at things. So, she starts trying to have a baby. OK, she can do this. She has sex with her husband every night. Nothing. Hmm, ok, back to the drawing board. She starts temperature charting. She tries supplements. Months go by. At this point, she begins to feel like a failure.  She begins to look at her temperatures every day. Since she’s taking her temperature every day, looking at the chart is pretty much a must anyway since it has to be recorded every day. She watches the temperatures go up, then down, then up, then down. She compares her chart with others’ charts. She looks for patterns. She starts to obsess over each temperature and what it means. She blames herself for not being able to do this correctly.

Second, women feel as though they are letting down their better halves. If you’re in a heterosexual relationship, the burden of having a baby falls firmly on the only member of the relationship sitting around with boobs and ovaries. Unfortunately, much though women would love men to be able to to carry a baby for the nine month gestational period and the breast feeding afterward, this is all on the woman. So, before blaming their husbands’ swimmers, women blame their bodies, and themselves, and feel as though they are letting down the other half of the relationship. They’re not living up, in their minds, to their half of the bargain.

 Third, women start to blame their bodies for not working correctly. Because, of course, just what women need is more reason to hate their bodies. Some have endometriosis, which aside from being extremely painful, can add to making conception more difficult. Some have bodies that choose not to ovulate, which again makes pregnancy harder since dropping an egg is a prerequisite to fertilizing said egg. Some have bodies that refuses to carry a pregnancy to term. All of these different problems once again make women curse their bodies. They weigh too much. They weigh too little. They exercise too much. They exercise too little. Once again, this unhealthy focus on the body adds to all the body image issues that they have battled their whole lives. Once again, they find a way to hate their bodies.

Then come the medicines. The vitamins. The supplements. There is soy and Vitamin B. Soy has yet to be proven scientifically to helping, but they try it anyway. There are tests. They pee on sticks. They pee on ovulation predictor kits. They obsess over whether the pink line is pink enough. They put pictures of the peed upon sticks online. They ask for opinions from others. They buy fertility monitors. They spend money on these things. They pee on home pregnancy tests which assert that they can detect pregnancies early. They take pictures or scan these sticks. Again, they post them online. They ask for input and advice from friends, family, and doctors. The fertility industry makes a killing. It makes a killing preying on this deep seated desperation to be a woman and to prove one’s womanhoodby getting pregnant. These sticks can only do so much. These assertions by home pregnancy tests indicate that they may show results as early as five days prior to a missed period. They prey upon the most basic female desire. Women buy boxes of these tests. They use two or three a day, desperate to see the answer they long to view. They spend more money on tests. They drink more water, more tea, more kool aid. They become prisoners of their bladders and their hormones.

They take drugs - progesterone and Clomid. Clomid helps to ovulate or to ovulate sooner. The chance of twins is anywhere between 6% and 25% depending on who a woman’s doctor is. The fear of twins is great with this one. Twins are great, in theory. In reality? There’s always two kids of the same age tag-teaming mom and dad. The fear of twins is great. Women have follicles checked, lining depth checked. They focus on their bodies in ways they never though possible.

Finally, there are the online shorthands used. Sex becomes baby dancing. For some, intimacy with their husbands may have nothing to do with being together as a married couple. However, the use of this term implies that the only purpose for physical intimacy is a baby. Everything revolves around trying to have a baby. Two consenting adults now focus their efforts on making a baby. All the joy that was supposed to come with wild unfettered sex is now reduced to baby dancing and maybe even dancing babies.  Sex is timed and used sparingly, in some cases, to conserve sperm. The spontaneity of being together becomes nonexistent. The joy of being with one’s partner for the pure joy of it is lost. Positions need to be monitored. Pleasure in being together is compromised. Enjoying sex becomes a nonissue. All that rampant wild sex they dreamed of at the outset of the ttc process is gone. Life with theirs husbands has become clinical. In looking at their charts, they admire the timing of the BDing, without regard as to whether the couple enjoyed being together.

Women call their periods AF, or Aunt Flo, in the same way that pre-teens embarassingly refer to their period when they can’t admit they are becoming young women without giggling. In chat rooms and posting boards, they sprinkle baby dust, like any number of pregnancy wishing Tinkerbells. They talk in baby terms about things such as implantation calling them sticky beans. Women are reduced to cutesy baby speak instead of adult conversation. Perhaps using cutesy language can cover the disappointment the process creates. Perhaps, if they sprinkle magical imaginary dust, it will be less about them individually than about some outside invisible force.

They listen to family and friends tell them platitudes - “in God’s time” “if it’s meant to be it will happen” “if you relax, you’ll get pregnant” and everyone’s favorite “are you doing it right”. All of these things are meant to be helpful, but all they do is make women more frustrated. They make them feel stupid. They make them wonder if having a child is not meant for them, as though they are somehow unfit to be mothers. Again, the blame is placed on on women telling them to relax as though them being stressed is causing them to not get pregnant or questioning their ability to adequately perform a biological function that even the basest of creatures can do. Again, women begin to feel useless and helpless.

Because you see, the trouble with trying lies in the fact that trying one’s heart out may never be enough. There may be no “do” for some women; there may only be a “do not”. Yet, giving up seems an option foreign so long as they have hope. They want to be moms. They may be women who would make good moms. Trying, however, is all they can do. They cannot control their lives, their futures and their partners’ futures. They are adrift with trying. They are adrift in trying. Trying becomes, in a word, trying.